Count Girula
by Dannor
Summary: Calvin tells Hobbes the terrible, terrible story of Count Girula, and the amazing Talvin and Kobbes who turn her back to Rusie Derkins.


**Disclaimer: **Rainy Sunday, nothing to do, so I write a C&H fic. Haven't done _that _in a while, have I? Anyway, thanks to Elvenking for the idea. And, of course, I don't, and never will, own Calvin and Hobbes.

"Hey, Hobbes," Calvin whispered to his best friend. It was a warm night towards the end of summer, and Calvin's parents had agreed that he and Hobbes could spend the night outside in the tent.

"What?" Hobbes asked over his pile of comic books of various titles, including _Captain Napalm and the Undiluted Biomonsters from Zimdar 9, __The Adventures of Maggot Man, and, Hobbes's favorite, _The Amazon Babe and the Temple of Death_. _

"Wanna hear a scary story?" Calvin grinned maliciously.

"Sure, why not?" Hobbes said, shutting _The Amazon Babe meets Captain Napalm. "I hope it isn't about the Decapitated Hand of Death again."_

"Nope," Calvin said proudly. "It's about Count Girula." 

"Bless you," Hobbes said nonchalantly. 

"No, that's his name. Count Girula!" Calvin said, turning his flashlight off.

"Well, then, tell the story," Hobbes said, keeping his light on.

"It all started back in 1300, in this same neighborhood-"

"I thought your neighborhood was built in 1982," Hobbes put in.

"You're ruining the dramatic affect," Calvin muttered. "Fine- it all started back in 1960, in the _vicinity _of this neighborhood," Calvin said, shooting a glare at Hobbes. "There was a girl, named Su- I mean _Rusie__ Derkins."_

"Is Rusie even a word?" Hobbes piped up.

"IT IS IN THIS STORY, OK?" Calvin hollered, growing impatient. "Let me tell the story… Now, Rusie Derkins was only six years old. She was out playing with her stupid girly toys late one night-"

"Why would she be playing outside late at night?" Hobbes asked.

"I don't know. Ask her yourself, someday," Calvin muttered. "Now, anyway, Rusie was playing with her toys when _it happened."_

"What's _it_?" Hobbes asked in a would-be awestruck voice.

"The vampire," Calvin said menacingly. "Count Boyula."

"I thought this was the story of Count _Girula," Hobbes pointed out._

"I'm getting to that!" Calvin snapped. "Now, when Count Boyula bit Rusie, she turned into a vampire herself. She became _Count Girula_!"

"Wouldn't she be _Countess_ Girula?" Hobbes interrupted again.

"Whose story is this?" Calvin asked. "Now, everybody assumed Rusie was dead- everybody except for the resident genius, Ca—Talvin."

"Well, I'm sure that _Talvin__ would certainly appreciate you calling him a genius," Hobbes said, rolling his eyes._

"Yes, I'm sure Talvin would. Anyway, one night, Talvin went out looking for Count Girula, hoping to turn her back into Rusie."

"Wouldn't Talvin want his best friend Cobbes to help him?" Hobbes asked, grinning.

"Talvin didn't know any Cobbes. He knew a Kobbes. So, Talvin and Kobbes went out looking for Count Girula, and they _found her_."

Hobbes was utterly unimpressed. Calvin took this in stride and continued. "So, Talvin said to Rusie, 'O Vampire, I shall taketh this blade and slay thee!'"

"Didn't this occur in the 60's?" Hobbes asked, confused.

"Oh, right," Calvin said. "Allow me to rephrase that. Talvin said, 'Groovy vampire chick, I'm going to take this groovy sword and decapitate you.'"

"But you said Talvin and Kobbes went out looking for the vampire to turn her back to Rusie!" Hobbes said, confused.

"I SAID THIS WAS MY STORY!" Calvin hollered, earning a warning shout from his mom.

"KEEP IT QUIET IN THERE!" she shouted from her bedroom.

"…Yes, Mom," Calvin said in an undertone. "Anyway, Count Girula had an annoyingly high pitched voice, and when she spoke, it was annoying and high pitched-"

"You said that already," Hobbes pointed out.

"Stop interrupting, fuzzhead," Calvin glowered. "Well, Count Girula told Talvin, 'I-'

"'-could never hurt the handsome, adorable Kobbes!'" Hobbes interrupted, grinning.

Calvin glared at Hobbes. "Will you let me finish my story?" 

"Yes," grinned Hobbes.

"Anyway, Rusie said, 'I will suck the blood from you.' But she didn't since Talvin had a flamethrower. So Count Girula turned back into Rusie Derkins."

"How?" Hobbes asked. 

"Because," Calvin explained, "Talvin's flamethrower could do that sort of stuff. And that's the end, anyway."

Hobbes sighed and picked up _The Uvulas of Planet Y-9_. "You know, you should never become an author," he said.

"C'mon! It was a _great _story!" Calvin said, and picked up _Captain Napalm and the Weirdoes_, turning on his flashlight.

Hobbes just sighed and started reading.


End file.
